Five Strategies to Prevent your Sensitive Son from Being Bullied

The following article is a guest post by Ted Zeff, Ph.D.

Many of our gay sons are sensitive which is a wonderful quality that is extolled in many cultures such as China, Thailand and India. Unfortunately, in the United States when a boy expresses compassion and sensitivity he is frequently considered abnormal. Did you know that twenty percent of the population has a sensitive nervous system and the trait is equally divided between males and females? Therefore, 20% of all males are sensitive, or one out of every five boys has a finely tuned nervous system. A highly sensitive boy (HSB) can be easily overwhelmed by noise, crowds, fearful of new situations and shy away from aggressive interactions. He generally reacts more deeply and exhibits more emotional sensitivity than the non-sensitive boy which unfortunately could result in being bullied.

According to the National Association of School Psychologists, 160,000 children miss school every day in the United States for fear of being bullied; more than 50 suicides have been linked to prolonged bullying; and approximately 85% of school shootings have revenge against bullies as a major motive. School-related bullying has led to depression and poor school performance in many children.

Although research has shown that infant boys are more emotionally reactive than infant girls, by the time boys reach the age of five, they have usually learned to repress every emotion except anger. Societal values emphasize that males should be aggressive, thick-skinned, and emotionally self-controlled, which is the opposite of a sensitive boy. When boys don't conform to the “boy code” and instead show their gentleness and emotions, they are usually ostracized and humiliated. Most of our gay sons do not fit the aggressive, macho stereotype and are at a high risk of being bullied.

Bullies tend to target kids who seem different from others. Since our sons may appear different than most boys and do not fit in with the vast majority of boys they risk being bullied. Not fitting in combined with rampant homophobia in our society has created frequent bullying of gay male students. Bullies also target kids who don't fight back and who react deeply to teasing. Research shows that 85% of HSBs avoided fighting and most sensitive boys react more strongly to bullying than other boys.

How can we prevent our sensitive boys from being bullied?

Develop Confidence in your Son by Support from Mom, Dad and Other Adults

The unconditional love and support from parents and other adults will give your son the confidence he needs to face difficult situations such as homophobia or bullying. Unfortunately, when the burden is placed on one or two frequently stressed-out adults, it's difficult to give the unconditional love and support a sensitive boy needs. Studies have shown that boys who had positive, loving relationships with other adults (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.) reported having more positive experiences as a child than those who did not have these additional relationships. Sensitive men from India and Thailand reported experiencing happier childhoods than those from North America which may be due to the role of the extended family and community in raising children in those cultures. So invite your extended family and friends to share their love with your son making him feel accepted and loved exactly as he is.

Some people believe that boys need stronger discipline than girls. However, your sensitive son can learn a lesson better when he is calm and receptive, so when you are disciplining your son it’s vital to talk to him in a gentle manner. When you set limits in a calm, yet firm manner it will not lower his self-esteem.

Mothers generally spend more time with their children so they are frequently in a position to bolster their son's confidence. However, fathers (or uncles, grandfathers, or other male role models) need to spend special, positive time with their sons. While a father needs to teach his son how to stand up for himself, he also has to understand, protect, and encourage his sensitive son in a world that can be hostile to gay males. Both the father and the son benefit when dad accepts his son’s trait of sensitivity instead of trying to mold him into a non-HSB. It's important to model setting limits with others so that your son will learn how to set boundaries if he is humiliated for his sexual orientation.

Make School a Safe Place for your Son

Parents should regularly discuss their son's progress with his teacher, talk to other parents, and volunteer in the classroom. If you find out that a teacher is mistreating your son, you need to immediately let the teacher and principal know that their behavior is unacceptable. If the teacher is not receptive to changing his or her behavior, you should not let your son remain in the classroom.

If your son gets bullied in school it's important to let him know effective methods to handle the situation. According to the Youth Voice Project which surveyed 11,000 teens in 25 schools, the most effective solutions to stopping bullying was accessing the support of adults and peers. Less effective strategies were ignoring the bullying, telling them to stop, and walking away.

Learning self-defense can give your son more confidence when confronted by bullying. You could ask the P.T.A. or the principal to arrange for a professional to come to the school to offer an anti-bullying program. If your son has tried the methods I mentioned above but the bullying does not stop (or becomes violent), contact your son’s school. Your son’s safety and sense of well-being is of prime importance, so you have every justification to bring the issue to his teacher, school counselor, and/or principal. If your son’s physical safety is in jeopardy and the school authorities won’t intervene, you could contact the police. However, it may be more prudent to remove your son from a potentially physically violent situation if the bullying escalates to that point.

The good news is that there are options to attending public school, such as progressive private schools (i.e. Montessori, Waldrof, Steiner) that may be more conducive to your son’s emotional and educational needs than a large public school. Homeschooling is ideal for most sensitive boys since the HSB thrives in a safe, quiet, less-stimulating environment where they are free to pursue both core and creative subjects at their own pace without fear of being humiliated for their sexual orientation. To compensate for the lack of social interaction, it’s important for your son to get together with other children who are also being homeschooled, hire tutors and enroll him in special classes.

Help your Son Obtain Peer Support through New Friendships

Most boys prefer to socialize in large groups, yet our sensitive boys usually prefer to interact with only one friend or play by themselves. Since they shy away from aggressive, combative interactions, HSBs may have difficulties making friends with other boys.

It may be better for your son to have just one friend rather than trying to be accepted by a group of non-HSBs. It will also increase your son's self-esteem to develop friendships with other gay youth and attend social activities for gay youth. However, it could also be beneficial for your son to learn how to navigate through the majority nonsensitive boy culture as long as the friends involved remain respectful. Take some time to discuss friendship with your son and emphasize how important it is to be with friends who respect him. It’s important for your son to create a balance between spending time alone and with friends or he may not learn successful interpersonal skills.

Help your Son Become Physically Fit

When a boy becomes involved in sports, he feels accepted by his peers, which increases his self-esteem. Most boys are involved in some team sports but research indicates that 85% of sensitive boys did not participate in team sports and most preferred to participate in individual exercise. Since HSBs do not perform well under group pressure and may be deeply hurt by the cruel culture of malicious “boy teasing” while playing sports with other boys, they generally avoid such interactions.

Regardless of athletic ability, it’s important for your so to participate in physical exercise since it will help him become healthier, stronger and more confident. When an HSB has someone to teach and encourage him how to play various games, he could thrive, even in the insensitive world of male sports. However, before your son joins a team, you should talk with the coach and possibly other parents to make sure that the players are treated with respect and are not overly competitive. The key is to find athletic activities that your son authentically enjoys.

As previously mentioned, learning some form of self-defense can really empower a sensitive boy, helping him feel safe and better able to fend off bullies if needed. It’s important to let the instructor know that your son needs support from the trainer. The sensitive boy who masters some form of self-defense becomes less fearful, more confident and frequently more sociable.

Increase your Son's Self-esteem

Research has shown that the more dissatisfied a boy is with his body, the poorer his self-esteem. Therefore, a sensitive boy who reacts more deeply to teasing about his physical appearance than a non-HSB is at risk for developing low self-esteem. Though the media can be a strong influence on your son, as an adult in his life you are the stronger influence by letting him know that his body is perfect exactly as it is. Discuss how the media is perpetuating myths about what a male body should look like.

An important aspect of a positive body image involves good health. Stress affects health and since your son may be more vulnerable to stress than the non-HSB, it’s important to help him maintain a preventative health-maintenance program by making sure he eats a healthy diet, take supplements, gets enough sleep and regular exercise.

Finally, while your son's self-esteem may be diminished by his not fitting in with nonsensitive children, he will feel worthwhile as he receives nourishment from his spiritual pursuits. Since most HSBs have a proclivity toward spirituality, you can increase his self-esteem by encouraging your son to learn meditation, prayer, spend time in nature, or read spiritual books about the great sensitive and compassionate spiritual heroes like Christ, Moses and other saints and sages.

There are millions of parents of sensitive boys trying to help their sons cope in a world that does not appreciate sensitivity in males. I'm sure that as you begin using the suggestions in this article you will start seeing a positive change in your son as he becomes a strong, confident, and happy boy.

Dr. Ted Zeff is the author of The Strong, Sensitive Boy.
For more information please visit www.drtedzeff.com
or the amazon.com link: http://amzn.to/ciWRxa

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Parents of LGBT Children Talk with Clergy About Church Ministry

Once in a while, during our very busy lives, an extraordinary opportunity will present itself; one that holds the promise of touching the minds and hearts of those who take advantage of it. I would, now, like to invite you to such an event, organized by PFLAG, which stands for PARENTS – FAMILIES and FRIENDS of LESBIANS and GAYS.

On Saturday, November 13, from 10 am to 3 pm, a program entitled: LET’S GET TOGETHER AND TALK, will take place. Its aim is to give insight and answers to the many questions being raised about gay people in our society and churches today.

Starting with a viewing of the insightful film, “For the Bible Tells Me So”, it will proceed to lunch and Table Talk about the film. After lunch, a Panel of clergy, representing a significant number of denominations, will introduce themselves, and explain what their Church is doing to promote the acceptance and well-being of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people within their congregations.

After these introductions, all those present---parents, friends, seekers of information, peace and justice activists---everyone will have the opportunity to dialogue with Clergy and each other.

This program will take place at the Mission Helper Center, 1001 West Joppa Rd., Towson, 21204. There is no charge, but a free-will offering will be accepted.

If you can’t accept gay people because of what the Bible says, this program is for you.
If you think gay people deserve “a fair shake” and you want to help, this program is for you.
If you think gay people are unjustly treated, and you want to do something about it, this program is for you.
If you don’t know what to think about gay people, this program is for you.

I urge you to mark your calendar for Saturday, Nov. 13, and save it for this enlightening event.

What: LET’S GET TOGETHER AND TALK
Date: November 13, 2010
Time: 10am to 3pm (lunch included)
Location: Mission Helper Center, 1001 West Joppa Rd., Towson, 21204
Questions: 443-255-1484


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Its Election Time & Time to Protect LGBT in Housing & Employment

PFLAG as you know is a nonprofit organization and we cannot endorse any particular candidate. We can share ideas on how you can improve our world.

We can and will encourage you to attend candidate forums and ask questions of the candidates. If it is as important to you as it is to me you may want to ask the candidate how he or she feels about supporting the inclusion of "sexual preference" or "gender identity" as a protected class in the mission statement of the Baltimore County Human Relations Commission. This mission statement is mandated by Article 3, Title 3, Subtitle 11 of the Baltimore County Code, 2003.

The Commission Mandate:

Article 3, Title 3, Subtitle 11 of the Baltimore County Code, 2003 establishes and mandates the Baltimore County Human Relations Commission to investigate complaints of discrimination in the areas of employment, housing, education, public accommodations, and finance on the bases of race, color, creed, age, religion, sex (including sexual harassment and pregnancy), physical and mental disability, national origin, and marital status. The definitions and procedures for executing the public policy to eliminate discriminatory practices within the County are contained in Article 29 of the Code.

The Mission Statement:

The mission of the Baltimore County Human Relations Commission is to eliminate discrimination through enforcement of its anti-discrimination human rights law that prohibits discrimination in employment, housing, public accommodations, education and finance, on the bases of age , color, creed, marital status, national origin, physical or mental disability, religion, and sex (including sexual harassment and pregnancy). The Commission will provide proactive education and outreach activities to enhance human relations, and form partnerships with agencies and organizations to promote equal opportunity to the citizens and those conducting business in Baltimore County.

In order to mandate this change in the mission statement a law must be introduced by one of the county council representatives, passed and signed into law by the County Executive. This is a very real possibility during the next four-year session.

Tonight (July 13, 2010)I had the opportunity to speak with two of the candidate running for office. One of them said he "was open to the idea." The other ask me to call his office so we could discuss the matter further.

In the mean time I am asking everyone in Baltimore County who reads this blog to make it known to all candidates of all political parties that we are paying attention. "We" are the LGBT community, we are parents, families, friends and allies of LGBT persons. We are voters and we need to let these candidates know that in 2010 THERE ARE STILL NO protection for LGBT people in employment and housing in Baltimore County!

This has got to change and we need to start talking about writing and passing law that make these changes a reality before the election in 2014.

Please write letters to newspapers tell your stories if you are LGBT and if you are a parent talk about the fears you have for your child growing up and living in a world where he or she does not have these civil protections.

The sooner we start this dialogue the sooner we will accomplish our goals for civil equality.

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Update: Internet Blocking of LGBT websites in the Harford County Public School system

Delegate Rick Impallaria

I just want to update all of you who could not be there last night.

I went to the Harford County Public Schools, School Board public meeting last night. There were many of our friends there. Among the supportive speakers were: Rev. Lisa Ward, Joyce Kipp, Joseph Smith of the Stonewall Democrats of Central Maryland, and Allison Harper representing the ACLU.

Delegate Rick Impallaria presented a petition signed by approximately 695 people encouraging the Harford County School Board to rescind their decision to unblock LGBT web site on the school system’s Internet.

Delegate Rick Impallaria is simply opposed to anything LGBT. He used the phrases like “Alternate Lifestyle,” to describe LGBT family life and “transsexual” in place of “transgender.” He is a self-described "Christian" and stated clearly that he thinks that being gay or lesbian equates to "a problem" with sexuality. I would like to illustrate him a “Conservative Christian” as there are many progressive and liberal Christians who support LGBT equality.

Some websites containing “sexual content” such as pornographic websites and sites where adult social interaction takes place will continue to be blocked. As a leader of a PFLAG chapter I wholeheartedly support this continuation. We must protect LGBT children from insidious influences just as parents of non-LGBT children wish to protect their children. These sites are filtered out through other "blocks". At issue here were site that provide educational information about political, academic and current events involving the LGBT discourse. This was and remands clearly an equal access to information issue. Parents do have the right to disallow their child’s access to the Internet at school. The school system does provide a regressive approach to learning for those who wish to prevent their children from up-to-date access to information. One must ask, “What happened to leaving no child behind?”

The good news is the LGBT supporters and the supporters for free access to information outnumbered those who were unhappy with the school board's decision to get into compliance with both Maryland State and U.S. Federal law with regard to equal access to information. The school board president said they "had no choice." They had to comply with the law or face a very expensive law suit which "we would lose."

Chalk one up for all the hard-fought-for gains we (LGBT and our Allies) have won over the years regarding civil equality.

You may want to relax for now thinking the children are safe and LGBT access has been protected!

In the end Del. Impallaria is simply trying to generate media attention. He is running for re-election this fall.


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Discussions on Religion & LGBT Community

Hosted by Towson University's Queer Student Union

Please Join us on:

Wednesday
March 10, 2010
6pm-8pm

Towson Univerisity
University Union Bldg.
Potomac Lounge


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GLSEN Youth Summit Towson University Union 12-10 p.m. February 27th 2010

Cost $15- includes Workshops, Dinner and Dance

Summit Schedule of Events

12:00-1:00 Walk-in Registration and College Tours
1:00 Conference begins
1:15-2:00 Keynote Address by Amena Johnson, SMYAL Director of Programs:
2:15-3:15 Workshop Session I
3:30-4:30 Workshop Session II
4:45-5:45 Workshop Session III
6:00-6:45 Dinner
7:00-10:00 Student Dance


Workshops
Media/ Current Issues
Apples, Pears, Oranges, and Celery: Unraveling the Complexities of Gender
Bisexuality
LGBT Issues and Religion
Sexual Health
Taking Action
Day of Silence
Starting and Maintaining a GSA
Bisexuality
Allies
Racism in the Queer Community
Gender 201javascript:void(0)
Queer in College

To Pre-Register: glsenbalto.blogspot.com

Also check out GLSEN Baltimore on Facebook

Cost- $15.00
Cash or Checks payable to GLSEN Baltimore
Questions to: glsenbaltcommittee@comcast.net or 410-542-0472


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The BMORE PROUD LGBT Leadership Summit is February 20, 2010 at Towson University

click here to see the schedule and to Register

Mark Patro, President of PFLAG Baltimore County will host the breakout session entitled: You Came Out, NOW What?

Many college-aged students are just coming out to those they love. Often, after coming out students look for resources to help their parents and/or siblings cope with finding out a son or daughter, brother or sister is LGBTQ.

The B’MORE PROUD LGBT Leadership Summit will create a competent and empowered population of LGBTQ student leaders, engaged in a formal city-wide LGBT student leadership alliance that creates a welcoming and supportive environment for LGBT college students and promotes service within the larger Baltimore community, someday expanding to include all colleges and universities in the Mid-Atlantic region.
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